I am Jesus.

Mr. Börger thought that I had a mother fixation (Oedipus complex from Freud ), but I for myself turned this whole idea in something positive, because Börger himself had said that man's spirit was born out of the soul of the woman, like Jesus out of Maria, (I: who was his mother!).
(And Börger brought this idea also in relation with our modern times, in which the woman's liberation plays such a big role, and a new spirit should be born.)
So Jesus had also had a mother fixation, not only Oedipus.
And because also my father had accused me of having a mother fixation, I had already thought about this problem.
So I told Börger that I was Jesus, but he gave me no opportunity to explain why I thought so.
He only said that I had to become him.
(But that was the only right answer anyway!)
I was six years by Mr. Börger as a patient and I learned much from him about philosophy and psychology and thinking about life in general.
And I came also on his lectures.
He was a great light and a big support for me in those difficult times and I learned to become independent from home and to go my own way in the world.
I became acquainted with a girl in a youth hostel with whom I married.
Those were the happy days of the hippies and the flower power time.
All seemed so much idealistic in believing in a better world.
But it was also the time of the Vietnam war.
And things turned out to be different.
The happiness didn't last long.
The first problem was that I didn't like my work and I tried to study to become a teacher, which failed.
Secondly my wife and I were too much opposite characters and we separated from each other.
And third there was also a political problem, because in those times of the hippies it was all left wing that made the world happy and right (America) was the big Devil himself.
And there was that big struggle between capitalism and communism. -  Who would win?  -
America and the Soviet Union were prepared to fight a third world war and destroying the whole world with their nuclear power.
But in spite of the fact that America lost the war in Vietnam I dreamt that I should join the American army!
I felt this as an offer to the bad world like Jesus died on his cross.
And the time of the hippies passed on and instead came the punk movement with sympathy for Hitler and also the yuppies, young people who wanted to earn much money in the first place.
And because I had no work and money at all and looked for money on the street I was forced or tempted to sell my soul to the devil.
But the main change was the change of philosophy.
I could finally understood that thinking was the basis of reality, so that the essence of life was metaphysical, and I as a spiritual being I was in fact nothing at all.
And at that same time I spent also much thinking about the unity of Being and Nothing from the philosophy of Hegel.
My I as a Soul died for my I as a Spirit.
In fact it was the cross of Jesus with two crossing movements: one was the movement from Nature to the Spirit as an vertical movement and the other was the movement from the I towards the World as a horizontal movement.
(From left to right, politically speaking, although there is a contradiction here, because right is the individual and left the community, but my dying I was the I of the left soul and the World is the community of liberalism in the first place, in which the individual is not the real full individual of the soul, but ruled by the power and spirit of the world in which the individual is subordinated, though he might think to do it all for himself in the first place: he is just a puppet on a string!)
And in both movements together I died in the heart of the cross from a natural subjective soul into an objective thinking spirit.
And at the same time I solved the mystery of the universe by uniting the both contradictions from Nature and Spirit and Individual and World, because the Spirit is in Nature itself and every Individual is also a World on his own and the World is an Individual in the atomic theory.
But the real deeper essence of the heart of the cross is the unity of God and Man in the holy Spirit, and my atomic theory therefore was not the total solution.
There was more to come, because I hadn't yet solved the riddle how the I as a point could see a picture and also not how the universe as being God in my atomic theory could be one person in stead of an infinite number of gods.
And both problems were the both sides of the holy Spirit in the unity of God and Man and both sides
had to be united to solve this problem too.
But now it is time to leave this very difficult subject for what happened in my everyday life.
At the moment I found my atomic theory I lived in a little attic room from a friend.
And at that time I worked in Haarlem (a town near Amsterdam) in my old job as a drawer again, but my friend had big difficulties in his own life and couldn't endure me any longer on his attic.
He started to see ghosts.
He started to see the devil in me.
I think because I had become politically right instead of left and also because of my atomic theory.
And because it were also difficult times for me too, I had quitted my job and it seemed to be better for me also to leave his attic before he killed me.
So I wandered through nightly Amsterdam and lived in a hotel for a week and found a place to live by other friends.
I was not really strong in life and always depending on others.
And although I didn't fully believe in the existence of God (I was not brought up with religion) and was yet not able to understand the existence of God by philosophy and my atomic theory, I started to pray to God for help.
And then in a vision a hand was laid on my shoulder and God spoke to me and said:
"This is the first time you pray to me!"
That very same night I had a dream that I walked on the Dam square in Amsterdam and a spaceship in the shape of a TV flew towards me and stopped in front of me.
In it I saw a wooden statue that wasn't finished yet and four young men were around that statue and a voice of God came out of that TV as a spaceship and said to me:
"You have something of a megalick!"
And: "Once you will see me!"
And also: "But Gods mills grind slowly!"
(It's a Dutch expression and it means: It will take a long time, but it will surely come!")
These four men and the statue in the middle reminds me of Jesus and the four evangelists.
And it also reminds me of the book of Daniel in the old Testament in which is spoken from four great beasts (Daniel 7:3) and an Ancient of Days who took his seat and a son of man (7:13).
The statue in the middle wasn't ready yet and had to be formed.
My father had given me a log of wood once to carve a statue from it, but it didn't succeed.
And also a megalith is a simple unformed statue.
In my dream it was named megalick, that is: mega-l-ick, whereby mega means big and ick means I, so: BIG I.
And I had the feeling that the statue in the middle had to become me myself, like Mr. Börger said:
you have to become him.
(See under: I am Jesus, the one before the last sentence.)
But the statue was also God himself as someone else.
So there is contradiction and struggle here between me and my father to reconcile with each other.
( It is also a philosophical problem between the I as a point and God as the infinite universe, which I told you before, and that had to be solved first.)
A few days later my chief of my old job in Haarlem came to me and asked me if I wanted to start to work again.
It was if God's will had sent him to me, and things went better again.
I found a room and a year late an apartment: one big room with a kitchen and a toilet.
But the big problem was what to do with my atomic theory.
I tried to tell it to other people, but what I had feared appeared to be true: if you have really something to tell, nobody wants to listen.
And then the next problem would be to look if it was possible to proof my atomic theory in reality.
I didn't really believe that, but I had to try all possibilities.
Because I had read somewhere an article about Einstein's cosmos as an higher dimension in which you go into the cosmos in one direction and you return from the other side, though you have gone in a straight line.


The atomic theory had nothing to do with me myself as such and the problem of the I wasn't solved yet and had been remained abstract.
My soul had died for my atomic theory, but now with this idea of the inside out universe as a subjective visuality, that means in which I was the centre of the universe and also embracing the total universe in myself, I as a person became reborn again.
But to become reborn again is not only a matter of manly thinking, but woman has something to do with this too.
But because my soul had died and I had lost confidence in love and there was little friendship left from the past and I had no women friends and I was lonely too and nobody wanted to believe my atomic-teory, where did I have to go?
It is the irony of my life and a paradox too that I who had the idea to be Jesus, the God of love, that I had to find some warmth and sexuality by the prostitutes.
Maybe I have to be very ashamed of myself, but you might also consider this as rather innocent, if you compare it with all the most violent and sadistic things the catholic church has done in its long history in the name of Jesus.
(But anyway: I am not the old Jesus, but I am the new Jesus, and my story begins there were the old story of the old Jesus ended: on the cross !!
My life is the life of Jesus in the underworld.
You could also say that I am the realistic Jesus and not everything in the underworld is so bad: the truth of life is its total system, its total adventure and that includes all the lower things too!!
Life is not only the higher idealistic dreams.
For instance: love includes sex!! And in our time we know that very well.)
In summer I took some days off, but I was too tired to go back to my work again and I was even afraid to go in the street: I only went out for shopping.
It was because the contact with my colleague's had been rather bad and oppressing and I couldn't stand it any longer.
So I quitted my job and now I had all the time to study my inside out universe.
I made all kind of efforts to turn the microcosm into the macrocosm outside me and so that I should see the micro beings and even stand in their spaceship.
But it didn't succeed.
God as a micro being didn't appear.
The first problem was that it was nice to turn the cosmos inside out because then a point became infinite and the infinity itself became a point, but when I turned my body inside out the form wasn't so nice at all.
It became rather ridiculous.
(But maybe you have to get used to it. Because: what is beautiful? It is what you are used to!??)
And when the microcosm should turn inside out I had to turn my body again from the inside out to see it: it means I had to turn it back again.
Or I had to imagine that  the world as my inside was my second body that could look now outside in the microcosm.
And that was very interesting too: I am the world myself, it is my second I !
Because why couldn't we have two bodies in both directions: inside and outside?
And you could take one and the same shape for both sides: in and out.
But in spite of all the interesting forms and ideas I couldn't find a real hold that it was the way I wished it to be.
In that time I also had a big dream.
I dreamt that I had to come to the queen of England.
I had to address her with: "Your Majesty" to express my respectfulness.
I had to look for her daughter in the quarter of prostitutes.
And someone would give me eggs along with.
But I knew that she wasn't in the quarter of prostitutes at all, but that she was kept hidden in the palace by the queen herself.
Since several years I had started to read Hegel and gave me much difficulties but now I had succeeded for the first time to read two volumes of Hegel's philosophy of Religion.
Hegel is really a great philosopher, but difficult too.
Gradually I lost my fear to go into the street and the first thing I did was to go to my former friend by whom I had lived on his attic and where I had found my atomic theory.
But now students lived in his home and told me that he had killed himself.
And my former attic room was reformed into a bicycle shed.
It was a sad day.
My father came along and told me that I had the right to become a social security payment and happily I got one and later on I got money from the Disability Insurance Act till today.
In fact: if you know what an atom is, it is more than enough.
It can be even a handicap if you know too much about physics, because then your head is full of formulas and you cannot think properly anymore.
Once I wanted to tell a scientist about my atomic theory but his only reaction was:
"Give me a formula!"
They are really stupid those scientists!!
They are very narrow-minded!!
But you know how people are: they look at the outside of things and not in the inside.
For instance: it is also a very big handicap for me that I haven't been on a university at all.
Because that is what they sometimes ask me:
"What is your profession?" or: "What was your training?"
(I was trained by Mr. Drs. Börger and I have studied Hegel for 30 years now!!)
Because only on a university are intelligent people!!
But also Einstein had not much official training.
But anyway: I was glad to read something more about the construction of the atoms and light waves which are caused by the changing of orbit of the electrons and electro-magnetism with much formulas, which I appeared to have forgotten most of them later, so that I had to start all over again from the beginning.
And then I studied some higher mathematics and all kind of other stuff.
I had been busy very intense for about three or four months and then I decided to stop with it.
How interesting it all was, for me it was not the way to look at things.
I'm a philosopher and not a physicist.
I needed some fresh air from all those too much information.
It made me feel like a machine, like on school in the early days.
I needed to feel some quiet infinity again.
I live with different vibrations.
Summer 1979 I was busy to make an easy "talk-alphabet", that means: write as you speak, because the dutch language is very difficult to write and the English language too.
Unfortunately I cannot give you an example in the English language, as you might understand why.
But I think that you know what I mean, and that you can produce such a "talk-alfabet" very easily for yourself.

At the end of 1979 I had a big dream: I was in the red-light district and an older man got angry with me because I touched his wife.
He threw me into the water and I wanted to accuse him in court.
But the whole neighbourhood wanted me to withdraw my accusation.
So I did and everybody was very happy with it and cheered by the whole neighbourhood I left the red-light district with a young woman on my side and a little girl, our daughter too.
And we wore very beautiful old clothes.

I had already read about the bible according to my dream that I once should see God, but now the time had come to read the bible itself.
I bought a new bible and started to read from the beginning to the end in about 4 weeks.
At that time I also found the strength to stop smoking.
The spirit of God showed to be usefull to such minor things too.
It is a little bit funny.
Although: cancer is not so funny!
I liked the stories, but not the psalms and the prophets.
They were to dull with endless complaining and moralizing, although: ethics are the basic principle of the bible.
God is right and man is wrong.
But I liked to philosophize about its total structure and deeper meaning.

That summer I tried again to solve the problem of the I, that meant: how can the I as a point embrace a picture?
I made about 8 cassette tapes of it, but later on I was so stupid to throw them all away so that I don't know any more exactly how I came to the solution of the problem.
So I have to try to remember how I got to the solution.
I think that I found it in a unity with my search for a good concept or idea about God, because if the universe is built up from an endless number of micro people as being God, it doesn't  make God one person, one conscious person, but only the spirit of a collectivity.
And I had already made some fantasy during my stroll in the evening under the stars in which I was Jesus Christ and talked to the congregation or churchgoers, saying: we are God or also: you are God.
That means: God is a collectivity of beings or people.
But the churchgoers were not so happy with this idea.
I thought they liked more to see God as one person, one individual.

And then my I had also been endless in the inside out universe by embracing the whole cosmos, but apparently that hadn't been the solution for me, probably because the accent of that consciousness had been staying on the I itself instead of being freed of itself totally in the object as the world in: I am the world.
But it had been close to the solution.
Because one step was missing and that was the reflection.
Because even if I am the world or the universe, then I still have to solve the problem how the world or universe as a primitive being as such can have a consciousness of its own.
How can the world or universe be one consciousness invididual?
I hope that you are able to understand this most essential point of view.
I myself I am the stone which I see.
With another example I could explain it even better, namely when I say: I myself I am the stone which I see.
But this doesn't mean that this stone as such is a conscious person.
Because this stone as such remains a dead thing as it was before.
It has only become a part of me.
Unless I turn the whole situation around by saying: I am this stone myself which is conscious of itself by means of me as a reflection.
Then I put my I in the stone itself.
It is a total identification of myself with this stone.
It is a total offering.
This stone sees itself by means of my eyes.
Also Jung asked himself in one of his books: am I a human being who feels this stone on which I am sitting or am I in fact this stone itself which experiences itself by means of me?*
And in general you could say: nature is conscious of itself by means of us.
Our eyes are the eyes of nature.
In this way the consciousness is reflected: by means of.
I also cannot see directly, but only by means of my eyes and innerly only by means of my brains.
In fact: all consciousness is reflected.
And so even God as endless and eternal has no direct consciousness of himself, but only by means of the person who thinks or feels or is aware of the infinity.
God needs man to become conscious of himself.
God didn't create man just for fun or pleasure or because He was bored to death or just for nothing at all.
He had a very good reason.
It was just pure necessity to become conscious.
*Jung - Memories, Dreams, Reflections - page 28: "Am I the one who is sitting on the stone; or am I the stone on which he is sitting?"

The point is here tot turn around subject and object.
God as an objective person outside of us, that means: as the other person, is in fact subjective person as our own personality and our own little I is submitted to our big endless and eternal personality as our second personality as objectivity.
We also express this idea when we say that we have to control or to constrain ourselves, that means that we have to submit to a higher power or higher personality in ourselves.
But this other power becomes our own power.
In deep essence I am God in the first place as endless end eternal and in the second place I am also Harrie as an ending and dying person in myself, but to become conscious of myself as eternal.
It is a reflected consciousness: by means of the ending person God is aware of Himself as eternal.
Or: in the eternity I leave myself as a dying person behind, but at the same time I need that dying person for ever to become conscious of my eternity.
So I always need to be two persons in One: God and some ending person too.
This is the essence of the unity of God and man and they never can be seperated.
This unity always was and always will be for ever.
This turning around plays a big role in science and philosophy.
And it is also the essence of dialectical thinking to turn around things, to look at it from the other side.
For instance the idea of Einstein, because normally the scientists considered the objective universe as basis of the laws of nature, but Einstein turned it around by saying: not the universe but the I itself is the basis of the universe.
Everyone is the centre of the universe.
Everyone can say: I am standing still and all the other things and persons are moving.
I am always in the centre of things.
In fact this is a negative turning back into the I, opposite to my idea.
Because in the early days they thought that the earth was the centre of the universe and the sun was turning around the earth.
But later on it was discovered by Copernicus that the earth was turning around the sun.
But Einstein turned it back again.
Who is right and who is wrong?
Maybe it is both ways.
It depends on how you look at things.
One way is the subjective vision and the other way around is the objective vision.
And also my discovery of the atomic theory was accomplished by turning around things, because the microcosm in my view is not a lower world, but a higher world and the evolution from the big bang out of nothing (or merely a point with an infinite temperature) is based on the opposite emanation from a higher world in the microcosm.
But how did I found this turning around between the subjective person and God as the objective person?

I had been reading by Hegel in his preface of the phenomenology: our consciousness of the  spirit is the self-consciousness of the spirit.
It means: God is aware of Himself by means of us.
Later on I couldn't find the exact words by Hegel in his preface like I remembered them, maybe because I had been reading them somewhere else in one of his other books or maybe I had translated his more difficult description in his preface into one simple sentence for myself.
But anyway, I translated his idea even further into: my consciousness of the infinity is the self-consciousness of the infinity.
And that made the solution of the problem.
My I was not a point, but it was infinite.
God als the eternal universe as an objectivity was in fact my own eternal subjectivity.
I looked upon myself as the other person as the all embracing God.
I was my atomic theory myself.
My subjectivity was united with my objectivity.
God and me were one and the same person.
Or also: God had returned back into himself by means of me.

This whole idea is not totally new, because it is derived from Hegel in the first place and it is found by other thinkers and mystics and religions too.
But in a unity with my atomic theory it becomes a more clearly to understand shape, an objective form.
Till now the unity of God and man was more or less in the inner soul and as an objectivity it became pantheism and nobody could prove that the universe was God Himself.
But my atomic theory proves it really is.
There is nothing wrong about pantheism, if you know that the universe is his body, but especially higher developed in the microcosm.
And that God's Spirit is there too.
God's infinity is not only the outside infinity, but also especially the inside infinity too with it as a combination of the two of them.
He is the total infinity.
He is rather complicated.
He is a dialectical system in Himself.

I had offered my I to the world, because I had accepted the world as my higher basis.
And in this offering I had found my atomic theory.
But I considered the world als well as my atomic theory as such as an underworld.
And now with my selfconsciousness of the infinity I had found a much better resting-place and identification in a unity with God the Almighty.

Maybe it is good to make a brief survey of the whole development from the I to God to be able to philosophize futher about it and also because it concerns not only the latest result but the total vision of all ideas, the total synthesis.
That means: God is all of them.
1 - the I as a point.
2 - my atomic theory as an infinite number of I-point.
3 - my dream that I once should see God and the idea that God must be a collectivity: we are God.
(and also: God is a infinite number of micro beings.)
4 - back to my own I in my inside out universe which embraces the whole universe, but with the accent on the I itself, so infinite but still subjective.
5 - Hegel's: our consciousness of the Spirit is its selfconsciousness.
6 - The selfconsciousness of the infinity by means of the I as a reflection, that means: I am the infinity my self in the first place.
In this way or in essence God and I are one and the same.
Now I got rid of my I but it had been beheld at the same time on a much higher level.

This last Idea forms the true foundation of the Spirit and now I also became aware what the Spirit really is.
Because in the total development of human consciousness man is first instinctive on the level of the animals and later on he start to think.
But initially his thought is not free from nature, but depending on it.
His thinking is not free for itself and he thinks in symbols and not in abstract thoughts in a logical system like we do.
But to become free he has to raise his mind above nature in an awareness that his thoughts and he himself too are actually metaphysical, that means: Nothing at all!
Because this is the basis of total abstraction to put the Spirit and Nature opposite to each other.
And the passage from nature to the metaphysical Spirit is the point as the I-point to: I am Nothing at all and so are all my thoughts.
It is the general philosophy that the truth is Nothing and Nothing is the basis of all reality.
And this idea is also found in our days when people think that all Nature came from Nothing by means of the Big Bang.
Form and content of the Spirit.
But how metaphysical this might seem, yet this is not the true Spirit.
Because this is only the outward form of the Spirit, that He has no form at all, but it is not the content of the Spirit.
And the content of the Spirit speaks from Himself in His thinking.
Nothing is only one thought, but the infinity is another one and so are all thougths thoughts of the Spirit.
The Spirit embraces everything and there is no limit.
And also Nature is part of the Spirit and all Nature and all things are built up from thoughts in essence.
The true Spirit is not opposite Nature, but embraces Nature.
The true Spirit is not Nothing but the Infinity.

And everything is for my Spirit, because I think and I feel and I am aware through my senses of all the things which surrounds me.
I am the Spirit myself and so is everyone, knowing or not knowing: the Spirit is there in everyone of us and as everyone of us.
The whole universe is in fact only one person: God himself and so how couldn't we be Him or at least a part of Him?
But to understand this fully we have to make a death-defying leap from the nature point of view into the spiritual point of view, that means we have to turn our vision upside down from earth to heaven.
We have to look from our inner infinity into the world in a new way, pure intellectual, pure philosophical, pure religious.
We have to look at things as God looks at it: with love and understanding, embracing everything in our spiritual infinity.
The metaphysical Spirit is not Nothing but Infinite and embraces all material and ending things in a unity of Heaven and Earth in an everlasting reconciliation.

I consider this selfconsciousness of the infinity as the highest point of my life.
And then I also look upon my life as climbing of a mountain with my idea about God as the highest point of view and then afterwards the descent from the mountain to the people below.
At that time I was about 35/36 years old and maybe that highest point was also the middle of my life and then I shall become about 70 years of age, who knows?, but it is just a guess.
This idea of climbing the top of the mountain is about the same as Moses who climbed the mountain too to obtain the ten commandments of God and Jesus Christ and his Sermon on the Mount.
You also can look upon life as the orbit or course of the sun along the sky with its highest rise on the middle of the day.
From mother fixation till father fixation.
Börger had accused me having a mother fixation, but now I had obviously reached the point that I could understand that the Spirit was the basis of the Universe, that means: God the Father as eternal creator of the Cosmos and Himself too.
It was purely manly intellectual in a unity with Hegel and my own atomic theory.
So I had lost my mother fixation for a father fixation.
And I had become a real man: intellectual.

Many times I had thought about the meaning of the story of Jesus, especially about the meaning of the crucifixion, and it was obvious to me to consider this as a symbolism for recreation in its sequence of: love, sex and being born (again).
The cross must be the symbol for the female sex genitals and the crucifixion the symbolism for the sex act or coitus.
But that seemed not to fit because then the crucifixion would have been a pleasure instead of very painfull.
Jesus didn't die from the female principle of sex but from the male principle of agression.
(The woman is raped by man or impregnated by his spiritual agression.)
Jesus died from the manly world and not from the womanly Soul, which He was himself indeed.
And then the solution is very simple, namely that Jesus' dead was not the dying of the man from the woman but in reverse the dying from the womanly principle of Love from the manly principle of agression.
Because Jesus was mainly identified with Maria in her principle of Love: Jesus was a young god of Love.
The cross is then the symbol for the male sex genitals, on which the female principle of Love died.
Because God originally had fertilized Maria in order Jesus to be born, but now Jesus returns back to become reborn again, that means spiritually, because man has to be born twice: one time natural by the Mother and the second time spiritual by the Father.
The first cross is the natural cross of the woman and the second cross is the spiritual cross of the man.*
But in the second cross the first cross plays its part too, because the Love of Jesus is also the Love of man and woman in its role of procreation and that's why women play a big role in the story of Jesus but yet this is submitted to the cross of the world, though the world is called the bride of Jesus.
So two meanings of the cross are intertwined in the Jesus story like a dream symbolism.
But the cross of the world plays the main role.
And then the circle of live has been closed, namely from the Father to the Mother and then back to the Father again.
But actually there should be a third birth to reconcile both principles of man and woman in an equivalence, because Christianity is still strongly patriarchal.
But we will talk about that later on.
*The femininity or womanliness is identical to nature and the individual soul(Love) and the masculinity or manliness is identical to the world and the eternal Spirit.

The selfconsciousness of the infinity was a highest point, though I think now that it was not a point but an infinite distance.
By highest point you think about the I-point, which is also a highest point, but as a centre.
But yet you can compare it with a highest point, because from the highest point of a mountain you can also see the infinite distance.
And then infinity and the I-point go together.
But as a highest point it is also frightening, because you could fall.
Because the selfconsciousness of the infinity as such was only a highest abstraction.
It was meant to be concrete and all-embracing, but it was in the form of only this one idea: the selfconsciousness of the infinity as such.
The accent was on the selfconsciousness of the infinity.
It was far from the daily reality down there below.
In all those years of philosophical thinking I had become a stranger to the normal daily reality.
Like an ascetic I wanted to go back to normal life and have contact with people again.
Now that I had reached my final goal I wanted to go home, like a globe-trotter.
Or: like a mountain-climber, I wanted to go down again.
And: I got fear of hights.
It was only a vague inner feeling, but yet I went to a psychiatrist.
In the highest point of my life a strong inner conflict had revealed.
How to come home again?
By psychiatry I was with the enemy, because I didn't like them; and well because they didn't handle you as a human person, but like a machine in which they wanted to put medicine in the first place.
It was pure opposite to Börger.
Only there was one advantage, because Börger wanted to talk all the time and now I could talk, because the only thing they did was to take notes.
They did not look at me to respond my talking, but they looked at their paper to write everything down what I was saying.
("They" were students and every half year I got a new one.)
It did not give me much of a feeling of contact with somebody.
I was only an object of study.
And because there were no answers and rarely a question I had the tendency to repeat myself and to turn around in circles all the time and not coming forward.
I thought by myself: if you aren't crazy yet, they will make you.
And later on I heard a psychiatrist say the same thing himself on the TV.
I was talking to a wall.
Modern science doesn't know the difference between a human person and a machine.
If it doesn't work at all they use electroshock therapy.
The greatest hero in our time is Einstein who also looks at the universe as a machine and never got higher than that.
And with my atomic theory I want to break through this wrong idea.
For the psychiatrist something was wrong in my brain, but that I told them that atoms are built up from spaceships and that I could prove the existence of God and that I was Jesus, never got in to them.
I was not meant to be taken serieus in the first place.
The nut-house was full of crazy people who thougt to be Jesus.
I was there in the right place, but not to be taken serieus.
Of course it was comic too.
And: I did not take any medicine.

The first student psychiatrist was younger than me and told me that he didn't agree with my atomic theory with some short nonsense explanation from his side and also not with my idea about my father reconciliation.
I was immediately intimidated.
I had to tell about my youth or early childhood.
Suddenly I felt confronted again with my former mother fixation.
And now I think that that was the whole point, because it took 12 years to get rid of those psychiatrists when I got contact with my mother again.
But at that moment I only remembered my dirty underwear as a child because I was to lazy to clean my bottom properly when I had gone to the toilet.
But I was ashamed to tell more about it.
I was just reconciliated with my God and Father or I had to look for my mother again.
It was difficult to climb a mountain but also to descend again.
I was to proud to give up my atomic theory and my idea about God.
I had to reconcile or appease both in myself.

With my idea about the existence of God as a basis of my atomic theory I felt for the first time a stronge urge to proclaim my idea for the people.
I did not have the feeling that some one would believe me, unless I got my soul out of the underworld, that means unless I had found a new Love, but I couldn't keep my idea for myself: I had to proclaim it.
First I wrote three letters to three famous persons, an author and two philosophers.
The author didn't answer and the answers of the philosophers were very disappointing.
After that I typed my atom theory on a piece of paper and I let print from it 1000 copies and handed them out to the people in the street and also sent them to all kind of adresses of famous people and institutes.
But there was hardly any respons.
Then I translated my atom theory text into Englisch for 1500 copies and sent them all over the world.
I got one answer from America that they were not interested because of the slacking down of the space program.
It was a strange answer.
It was rather hopeless and near the winter I cycled around Amsterdam East and came near a kind of nucleair factory, named Nikhef, and I handed my atom theory there.
They were a little bit interested and placed my atom theory as an article in their staff magazine.
It was my first little succes.
I also got a letter from the director or manager Kistemaker with the question:"what is life?
What had that question to do with my atom theory as such?
I didn't felt taken serious at all.
Later on I thought that I had had to answer: "life is to be open for new ideas!"

In the beginning of the year after that I made little flyers and booklets from letter-stamps and I spread the flyers in the boxes of the houses for about 60.000 pieces and I got about 300 requests for a booklet of my atom theory.
I also put advertisements in the papers and sent about 1000 more copies of my first printing-paper to many people and institutes.
But the reactions were poor and they didn't take me serious.

And except for my atom theory as such I also wanted to proclaim my new idea about God and that I was the new reborn Jesus Christ.
And this was just in the years that Benjamin Creme proclaimed that the Maitreya should appear on the TV all over the world, at least in 1982.
But nobody believed me to be the new Jesus Christ, not from the East but from the West and not from the old Bible, but from the new Bible.
The people were totally blind.
They were captured in the past and couldn't see into the future.
I had also send a letter to the Pope with: "I am Jesus!"
But he was blind too.

In those days that I was busy with my atom theory action I saw my former wife walking in my neighbourhood.
My soul and happiness was walking there.
What should I do?
Because I considered myself in the situation of Orpheus and Eurydice not to look back to the past untill I was sure to have my soul out of the underworld.
So I sent a letter with my atomic theory to the address of her parents, because it seemed to me safe to hide myself behind my atomic theory against an intimate personal relation.
I got a letter back in which she wrote that she thought that my atomic theory was just another little philosophy like thousands of other ones.
That was not so nice.
She herself was a member of the Bhagwan movement, with a total different view on life than mine.
I liked it, but from a philosophical point of view I considered it as rather naive or simple-minded.
It was in the first place a group and mass movement and I myself with my atomic theory I was an indivudualist in the first place.
I had to cope with the whole world against me.
I had to stick by myself.
We could not agree with each other.
It was immediately a struggle between right and wrong.
Two believes on one pillow: there sleeps the devil between them; that what they say in Hollland.

Totally I had stamped 13 booklets with number 11, 12 and 13 titled: I am God; I am Jesus and I am the Holy Spirit.
That was a little too much of an ego-trip, even if it was not meant like such.
After that I stopped with my atomic theory action after about 9 months working with it.
It had cost me about 6000 dutch guilders, but I had had my first experience with my atomic theory and the people and it had given me also much pleasure too.
And I knew beforehand that nobody would believe me anyway.

The accent of my idea about God was the selfconsciousness of the infinity, but as such my own I was only a means and not a goal on itself.
And as such the infinity was empty without any real fulfilment in itself in me and also in all those infinite micro people.
A real full infinity would be a trinity of the infinity itself and the infinite multitude in itself and the individual also, not only as a means but as a goal in itself too.
And then not only by the micro people, but also by us people.
But because no one wanted to believe me, I first had to do with myself: I wanted to go back home and return into myself, my own soul like it was before, before 28 years of age.
Because the infinity is not only far away, but also here in me.
And the eternity is also now, because it is always now.

And the eternal and infinite Spirit of God is also in my own I as a metaphysical point and when Descartes said: I think, therefore I am (cogito, ergo sum), I think that his idea wasn't finished yet and should be: "I think, therefore I am God!"
Especially if he would have been able to read my new Bible.
But the accent of the I before my age of 28 years old had not been the abstract thinking as such but the full Soul like the full Soul of the old Jesus.
But my Soul had died for the Spirit of God.
And now I wanted my Soul back.

I also had a kind of historical analysis to prove that I was the reborn Jesus from the old bible, because in the old bible the Holy Spirit is mentioned as a unity or oneness of God and man.
And see: my atomic theory is the unity of God and man, because God is literal or really in us a micro being(and all micro beings), and His higher Spirit moves us as such.
Only this unity exists and always has been existing and even before us as the unity of the micro beings and God, because in the micro beings God exists as a minimicro being, and so on.
Only my atomic theory goes much further to prove the unity of God and man than the old Bible ever could guess, because they didn't know anything about micro people.
God could not tell them because they would not have been able to understand it of course.
And further my new Bible is also the unity of the old testament with the law of Moses and the new testament with the love of Jesus as a higher unity with God in understanding, because understanding reflects the idea of thinking with love, that means to understand the unity of  things, living beings and God and that is what the Spirit really is in His highest peak and highest ability: not only to believe but to Understand also.
Thus the former thinking of the jews in a strong difference between right and wrong has yet become a higher ability to understand the unity too as Holyness, with the love of Jesus as a development and crossing from one into the other.
But ethics are a separate section of my new bible and will be discussed later on.
In the first place my atomic theory reflects the old jewish ideal of an eternal Kingdom of God and goes even far beyond what they imagined.
The holyness of understanding was first achieved in Hegel's philosophy and modern science as an antithesis and my atomic theory as a higher synthesis of both.