The second half of my life.

With my understanding of God as basis my life turned round and back to the past to resume everything that had happened in my understanding of God to a total concept of understanding, from an abstract infinity to a concrete full Spirit.
First to find my own self again and also with the ideal that people once might believe me as a big goal and also to see God, because understanding God as infinity was not yet seeing him.
That appeared not to be the same.
Also God wanted to be seen as an individual too, like I wanted.
I had to develop my understanding of God much further.
There was still much to do.
And I had also to get my soul (a woman) out of the underworld.
To climb a mountain is one thing but to descend a mountain again is another difficult question and this has determined the second half of my life.
It is like you first want to find the truth outside in the world and the infinity and secondly you want to find it home again.
It makes a circle in itself.
As such I consider my life as the full life of Jesus, not only the first part untill his crucifixion, and not only as a myth, but as a real life of a real person, and also especially as a spiritual development, that means an understanding of what really happens inside.

My intellectual work had been done in principle or essentially and now I had to turn round to my feelings, my emotional and inner life.
The new Jesus had to find the old Jesus again.
Because in fact they were two total different worlds: the world of Love and my atomic theory.
What had one to do with the other?
And then it is my conviction that the world of Love of Jesus never existed: it was only a myth, a dreamworld of miracles.
But we still want to dream them; we are still longing for an idealistic society.
Wouldn't it be wonderfull to unite or combine one with the other: happiness, Love and understanding in a new world of my atomic theory?

After my atom theory action I went first for a day to the beach and after that to my mother.
She and my father had been seperated and my mother had a new friend.
But the poor fellow had cancer in his prostate.
According to my mother I should see God only when I was dead.
Only much later we found more regularly contact with each other.
Near winter I was affected by a TV program about Teresa of Avila, especially by a baroque sculpture of Bernini of Teresa in ecstacy with an angel with an arrow near her.
She considered herself to be the bride of Jesus.
An inner voice said to me that I had seen God.
I got a letter from a former girl friend Elise, but I didn't answer her letter, because I couldn't split myself in two: one have for my atomic theory and one half for love.
It would have been easier if there had been some woman who was interested in my ideas.
But there was not any one who did.
In winter I started to read the bible again.

I also struggled with a big problem, because suppose that my atomic theory wasn't the synthesis of Hegel and natural science, but the antithesis of Hegel as Gods Kingdom but not Gods Heaven, that means: not the idea of Jesus at all but the idea of the jews of the old testament?
Because my idea about God as selfconsciousness of the infinity could not been seen as heaven on earth.
Of should this idea be the beginning of new inner world?

In the beginning of 1982 I developed the idea of God further with: God is the unity, because God is the unity of an infinite number of micro beings and we are included also.
And then: this unity is the Spirit and the content or the substance of the Spirit are  ethics.
The Spirit is especially meant as far as thinking determines the unity of the people and nature as such no longer did as we know from the old bible as a development of ethics.
Because first there was a natural innocence and thereafter a distinction or contrast between good and evil, because man started to think about laws to organize his own life and that of the community.
But the distinction between good and evil good not be the last form of consciousness, so man longed for a future state of mind of holyness in a renewed unity with God in an eternal life in Heaven.
So we have here four ethical elements: innocence; good and evil; and holyness.
I placed them in the form of a cross with the innocence at the bottom, the holyness at the top and good and evil left and right in the middle.
The ultimate truth is holyness, but our real life is the total unity of all these ethical elements in which they have their necessary role or part to make life possible.


After this ethical philosophy I had a dream in which my former boss or director Mr Meyer of the land registry appeared to me and said that I was found and that I had to listen to all the other "boys" too.
And after that I also developed my idea about God into a trinity of: individual, state and God equal to the system of Hegel in subjective Spirit(individual), objective Spirit(state) and absolute Spirit(God).

Further I remember that my friend Wim and his wife Jolande came to visit me.
I was reading in my red Rembrandt bible and I looked at a picture on which Maria of Magdala searched for the resurrected Jesus and thinks that He is the gardener.(John 20:15)
Then Jolande joked with me: "Harrie believes to be Jesus!"
I was ashamed.

I believe that it was in late summer that I walked in the Vondelpark of Amsterdam that I saw a vision in which a crystal ball jumped open to pieces of glass and a voice said to me: "The soul is out of it!"
The soul had been born and I had made the change from spirit to soul, from thinking to feeling.
I lived in an old neighbourhood and I had to move, because the houses had to be demolished or torn down.
I was afraid to move after all those years in a mental and physical isolation.
I got into a mental crises and threw all my books away like a kind of substitute of committing suicide but also like a catharis in my moving from Spirit to Soul.
But when I was busy with my moving I started to like it and I was disappointed when I was ready.
I had to retreat or withdraw in my old isolation again.
But I still had money which I had recieved for my expenses for my move.
So: I went tot the prostitutes again.
In the first place because I did not believe in love any more: my soul had died in the underworld and there I had to find and regain her again.
And also because we live in a world of sex and not love.
That means: it was/is not only my problem but the problem of modern society too.
I was captured in the modern world as an underworld and like I first had found my atomic theory and idea about God through America and also Hitler*, I now had to find my soul by the prostitutes to start with as a primitive beginning.
*I had thrown his book: Mein Kampf, away too.
What a pity!

I found a nice young lady: Maria and spent an hour with her every day making some love and talking with her.
I fell a little in love with her, but after two weeks I hadn't any money left.
It was difficult for me to let her go and I had a dream in which her mirror broke in thousand of pieces.
Our "love" shattered to pieces because my money was gone.
I didn't know what to do and went to my father, who didn't want to recieve me and then I went to my friend Jan.
My friends came to visit me and helped me with my garden by my new house, and I painted my house in bright colours and made decorations too to get used to an awfull new and cold house of concrete.
So I got through my "love-crises" and life went on once more.